Andrew the Apostle

This week, on "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter"...

Peter: How you doin', Andy?

Andrew: Oh hey there, Pete. Not too good, man. Kinda struggling.

Peter: What's on your mind?

Andrew: Just a tough week...

Peter: Come on, bro! Unburden yourself!

Andrew: Have you ever been to Corinth?

Peter: Planning to visit there soon. Wanna join?

Andrew: I just got back from there, actually. Was healing the blind, you know, usual stuff. Then this woman, Calliope...

Peter: Oh? Don't tell me you finally met someone!

Andrew: Not like that, Pete! You know that I've sworn off women!

Peter: Maybe that's your problem...

Andrew: Jesus H. Christ, Pete! If that's gonna be your attitude, I'm not gonna tell you!

Peter: Sorry man, just joshing. You be you. Go on.

Andrew: So this woman, Calliope, comes up to me.

Peter: Good looking?

Andrew: Why does it matter?

Peter: Just curious.

Andrew: I dunno. Maybe? So she comes to me and says that she is pregnant.

Peter: It's a miracle!

Andrew: Will you stop interrupting? She is pregnant, and the father is not her husband.

Peter: Oh, those Greeks! Always up to some shenanigans!

Andrew: So she says that she heard I've been doing some unsanctioned medical work...

Peter: I wouldn't call healing the blind unsanctioned medical work!

Andrew: What can you do? They haven't accepted Jesus yet in Corinth. So she asks me to take care of it...

Peter: You don't mean... take care of it?!

Andrew: YES!

Peter: NO! So what did you do?

Andrew: I took care of it.

Peter: NO! How?

Andrew: I've got my ways... Wasn't that hard, actually.

Peter: Wow. I can't believe that, man.

Andrew: Now you're judging me?

Peter: No, Andy, bro, I'm not judging you... Just... I didn't expect... that.

Andrew: The baby was gonna be born out of wedlock! I had to do something!

Peter: No, I get that... but you understand the ramifications, don't you? If we say that doing THAT is alright, then...

Andrew: I know, I know...

Peter: I mean, that kinda upends the whole thing...

Andrew: What have I done, Pete? WHAT HAVE I DONE?!

Peter: Alright, calm down, man, let me think. How many people know about this?

Andrew: Just me and Calliope.

Peter: And her husband? Her mother?

Andrew: Husband didn't know. Mother is dead.

Peter: Good, good. Well, if she is the only person who knows, she is not gonna talk, right?

Andrew: I highly doubt it.

Peter: So if she is gonna talk, what's the problem? We just don't report it.

Andrew: But you know, everything I do is written down in the Acts of Andrew...

Peter: Yep, I know, I got my own Acts. So what? Just skip over that part. You never met this Calliope.

Andrew: But Jesus told us to tell the truth...

Peter: You're not lying, dude! Just glancing over a rather insignificant event.

Andrew: You sure?

Peter: Positive! Feel better?

Andrew: It's like a load off my mind!

Peter: Fantastic! And let it be known that THAT should never be allowed, under any circumstances! Now let's go get a beer!

Next week, on "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter": Peter meets a man who claims he can fly...

Verdict: **Barely a Jew**.

_July 4, 2025_