Bartholomew the Apostle

We're back with a new tale from "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter"...

Peter: You're not looking too good, Andy...

Andrew: Tell me about it! It's those darn cannibals!

Peter: Cannibals? Again? Didn't you just rescue Matthias from cannibals?

Andrew: It was Bartholomew this time. And these were different cannibals.

Peter: Wait, what? Back up! Different cannibals?

Andrew: Yeah. Matt was captured by Anthropophagi.

Peter: Anthro-what-guy?

Andrew: It's in the north. Russia, I think?

Peter: What the hell is Russia?

Andrew: A god-forsaken land filled with buckwheat and drunkard heathens! No, Bart was captured by the Parthians.

Peter: You know I'm not good at geography.

Andrew: That's in east, Persia. These cannibals were dark-skinned monsters...

Peter: Wait? What? You can't say that!

Andrew: Well, that's what they were, right? I'll just skip over that part when I write it down. People will figure out from context clues.

Peter: Ugh. Go on, I guess.

Andrew: So this talking dog...

Peter: Wait, what?

Andrew: I got lost, and this talking dog gave me directions...

Peter: You know, the one guy I know who took directions from a talking dog wasn't exactly right in the head.

Andrew: Wait, I got it all mixed up! It wasn't a dog.

Peter: Whew.

Andrew: It might have been a man with a dog's head.

Peter: You can't be serious!

Andrew: Can I go on, please? So the cannibals are trying to eat Bart, and I prayed to Jesus, and he made this force field...

Peter: Force what?

Andrew: Will you stop interrupting me?! Force field! It's like a giant bubble! The cannibals couldn't pierce through it, as much as they tried!

Peter: So you made Bartholomew into a bubble boy?

Andrew: Bubble man, really. At the end, they gave up and had no choice but to convert to Christianity. Behold the power of Jesus!

Peter: Huh. And the other, Anthropological cannibals...

Andrew: Anthropophagi.

Peter: Was that a bubble too?

Andrew: No, that time I prayed for a flood... Do you want the whole story?

Peter: No, no, I think I've heard enough. And at the end, these Anth... Russian cannibals also converted to Christianity?

Andrew: They certainly did! And they let Matt go too, of course. See, it's all in the power of...

Peter: Right, right. So what's next?

Andrew: Well, I heard there are some cannibals in the south...

Peter: Who did they capture? You're running out of apostles to save!

Andrew: Not sure yet, but I'll soon find out!

There are so many ridiculous stories in the apocrypha, but we have reached the end of "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter"... Who knows, one day it might get renewed for Season 2?

Verdict: **Barely a Jew**.

_August 11, 2025_