Christina Aguilera

"It may have been gold in the streets for my grandparents, it may have been a chicken in every pot for my father and mother, but to me, America is a shikse nestling under your arm whispering love love love love love." — Philip Roth, "Portnoy's Complaint"

When we heard that Christina Aguilera had given her baby son a Hebrew name (Liron), we were concerned. After all, the last thing we need is another questionably talented rock diva convinced that calling herself a Kabbalist makes her cool (Remember ladies, the really cool people aren't pretend-Jews, they ARE Jews). But we were mistaken. It's the influence of her husband, Jordan Bratman: a full-fledged Jew.

To which we can only say one thing:

Way to go, Jordan!

Seriously, if you're going to marry a shiksa, the least you can do is pick someone we can all appreciate. Now, do you have a brother, so that you could set up Beyonce with him?

(Editor's update: Now divorced! What happened, Christina?)