David Letterman

"Straight from the home office in Haifa, Israel, the Top Ten Signs You Might Not Be Jewish. Here we go,

#10: You've never conducted a symphony orchestra using just your nose.

#9: Two words: pimento loaf.

#8: You spend every Sunday morning on a stage handing out crackers and wine.

#7: You actually like your family.

#6: You ate a bacon cheeseburger. On a Friday night. With shrimp. And mayo.

#5: Last Christmas you came downstairs and didn't find reindeer feces all over your living room.

#4: You thought Fiddler on the Roof was about the Amish.

#3: Klezmer? I don't even know 'er!

#2: You wake up in the morning and think to yourself, 'you know who's a really good guy? Jesus.'

And the #1 sign you might not be Jewish is....."

(drum roll)

"You're me!"

Verdict: **Sadly, Not a Jew**.

_June 22, 2009_