Edgar Allan Poe

Born to actors who promptly abandoned him, Edgar Allan Poe's early life was less 'Annabel Lee' and more 'The Fall of the House of Usher.' He was raised by a foster family, attended university briefly, and then embarked on a career that was as illustrious in literary impact as it was dismal in financial reward. It's almost as if writing about misery doesn't pay the bills. Almost.

Poe's heritage was thoroughly English and Irish, with no detectable Semitic branches on his family tree. His identity was primarily that of a struggling artist and a tortured soul, often found debating the merits of various beverages rather than the finer points of Talmudic law. To say he wasn't exactly rushing to shul would be an understatement, unless there was a free drink involved.

Despite his penchant for self-destruction and general gloom, Poe practically invented the detective story and perfected the art of the short horror tale. His work still resonates, giving generations of high school students nightmares and proving that you don't need a robust savings account to be eternally famous. Kvell-worthiness for the ages, even if his actual life was more kvetch-worthy.