Edward Snowden

Edward Snowden. Remember him? Once upon a time, this former computer intelligence consultant became a household name for spilling the U.S. government's surveillance secrets to the world. He's been living in Russia ever since, which, let's be honest, isn't exactly the Jewish homeland.

Now, about his Jewish bona fides: they're non-existent. No ancient lineage, no Shabbat dinners, no bar mitzvah photos lurking in the digital ether. He's about as Jewish as a ham sandwich on Yom Kippur.

While some might argue that his actions, in exposing government overreach, have a certain kvell-worthy quality for those who value transparency, we're not entirely convinced. Plus, given his current address, it's safe to say he's probably not frequenting any synagogues in Brighton Beach. So, no points on the Kvell-o-meter for that one.

In conclusion, Edward Snowden is many things: a whistleblower, a fugitive, a resident of Russia. But a Jew? Not in this lifetime, nor any other we're aware of.