Eva Longoria

Eva Longoria is about as Jewish as a ham sandwich, which is to say, not at all. Born in Corpus Christi, Texas, to Mexican-American parents, her family's roots are steeped in Southwestern Catholic tradition, not the shtetl.

While she's undeniably successful and has managed to parlay her acting career into a multifaceted business empire, there's not a single gefilte fish or menorah to be found in her ancestral past. We've checked, and re-checked, and then checked again, just in case we missed a stray marrano grandparent hiding in the family tree. Alas, our efforts were in vain.

She's done plenty for her community and various charities, and we applaud her for that. But kvell-worthy in a Jewish sense? Only if your definition of kvelling extends to celebrating anyone who's generally a decent human being and has a good publicist. So, while she's certainly a compelling public figure, in the grand scheme of Jew or Not Jew, she's firmly in the 'not' camp. And that's okay, because someone has to represent the other side.