J.R.R. Tolkien

J.R.R. Tolkien, or John Ronald Reuel Tolkien if you're feeling formal (and he probably was), was an Englishman through and through. Born in South Africa, which he left at a young age, he spent the rest of his very long life steeped in all things English, from its languages to its landscapes. He even fought in World War I for England, which doesn't exactly scream "fiddler on the roof."

His academic career was dedicated to Anglo-Saxon, Middle English, and other ancient languages that sound vaguely Yiddish but emphatically are not. While his books are filled with rich lore and invented languages, none of them bear even a passing resemblance to Hebrew or Aramaic. He was, by all accounts, a devout Catholic, not a member of the Tribe.

Now, about K-score: a "5" is a no-brainer here. The man practically invented modern fantasy literature, influencing countless authors, filmmakers, and gamers. Peter Jackson's movies alone grossed billions, and the phrase "one ring to rule them all" has entered the global lexicon. He created entire mythologies that people still pore over today, dissecting every elvish word and hobbit hole. That's some serious kvell-worthiness, even if his origins are decidedly un-kvell-able from a Jewish perspective.