Jake Retzlaff

As a rule, we try not to profile college football players, waiting for them to go pro. Just look what happened to Taylor Mays... he was supposed to be a star in the NFL, we profiled him, and he flamed out pretty quickly. And Josh Rosen? So much false hope placed in Josh Rosen. If only.

But our readers have spoken! They have asked to profile BYU quarterback Jake Retzlaff, and we oblige! Wait, what? BYU? The Mormon college?

Yes, following the tradition of great goyishe passers like Jim McMahon, Steve Young, and Zach Wilson (HAHAHAHAHA, Jets fans!) is Jake Retzlaff, who quarterbacked his team to an excellent 10-2 record. He is one of three Jewish students at BYU. (What the other two are doing there, we have no idea.)

Manischewitz even signed Retzlaff to a sponsorship... which is pretty ironic because he is one of three people on BYU's campus that would be allowed to drink! (Yes, Manischewitz also makes gefilte fish. No one at BYU is eating gefilte fish.)

Alas, Retzlaff is not considered to be a pro prospect, but you never know. Many so-called can't miss quarterbacks (Rosen, Wilson) fail, and a bunch of no-names turn out to be stars when given the chance. Here's hoping Retzlaff gets his! But if he doesn't, here is his profile.

(Editor's update, June 30, 2025: A lawsuit accusing Retzlaff of rape was dismissed, but he will transfer out of BYU because of a suspension — not for the allegation itself, but for having premarital sex. This should be the end of the Manischewitz sponsorship...)