Judge Wapner

There's a whole host of TV judges wandering the airwaves nowadays, but there are only two in our hearts: Judge Wapner of the People's Court and Judge Judy of... Judge Judy. Anyway, which one's better? Cage match! But since we don't have a cage on hand, we'll put them in this handy-dandy chart, instead:

WapnerJudy Home BaseCaliforniaNew York Verdict: Judy. Both shows are filmed in California, but Judy is a former NYC judge, and that gives her the advantage. HairRecededDisheveled Verdict: Judy. A bad haircut is better than no hair at all. Trust us. Young LoveFuture screen star Lana TurnerFuture prosecutor Ronald Levy Verdict: Wapner. Because when normal people get to date future starlets, everyone wins. Book"From the Bench""Beauty Fades, Dumb is Forever" Verdict: Push. Because when judges write, everyone loses. ParodyThe Devil goes to the People's Court on SNLTurned into "Judge Harm" on the Simpsons Verdict: Wapner. Jon Lovitz in a red devil suit with floppy ears gets us every time. MudslingCalled Judy coarse and insultingCalled Wapner rude for pointing out that she is coarse and insulting Verdict: Wapner. Nobody likes a tattletale. Unless, y'know, they're right. ReligionJewJew Advantage: Us.

And so, once again we have scientifically proven that the winner is... BOTH! When it comes to semi-fictional, Jewish TV Judges, how can we possibly choose between them?

Verdict: **Jew**.

_September 18, 2009_