Otto von Bismarck

Otto von Bismarck, a name that evokes images of spiked helmets, Prussian dominance, and a general air of "don't mess with me," was undeniably a giant of 19th-century European politics. He practically invented the modern German state through a series of wars and diplomatic maneuvers so cunning, Machiavelli himself would have taken notes. His "blood and iron" speech, while less of a literal call to arms and more of a fiscal policy plea, perfectly encapsulated his pragmatic, often brutal, approach to statecraft.

Born into the Junker aristocracy, Bismarck was a devout Lutheran and a staunch conservative. There's absolutely no historical evidence, whisper, or even a far-fetched conspiracy theory that suggests any Jewish identity or origin for the man. His family tree was as Prussian as sauerkraut, extending back through generations of landowning gentry who probably considered anything less than absolute monarchy to be a dangerous foreign concept.

As for Kvell-worthiness, while his achievements in unifying Germany were monumental, the subsequent rise of German nationalism and its less-than-stellar 20th-century trajectory doesn't exactly inspire joyous shouts of "oy vey, look what he did!" We'll give him a point for sheer historical impact, but mostly because he made it possible for a later generation to really mess things up, thereby providing endless material for historians (and comedians).