Pontius Pilate

Beelzebub: Next!

Pilate: Hello there, sir...

Beelzebub: Beelzebub. You can call me Bob. You're my 3:30?

Pilate: Yes, sir... Bob. It's just that I expected... him.

Beelzebub: He only deals with important cases!

Pilate: Well, my case is important, sir! I am sure he'd like to hear it!

Beelzebub: Let me be a judge of that.

Pilate: Okay, I guess... You see, sir Bob...

Beelzebub: Wait, let's get the paperwork done first.

Pilate: Paperwork?

Beelzebub: You're in hell, darling. Of course there is paperwork! Name?

Pilate: Pilate, Pontius Pilate.

Beelzebub: Death date?

Pilate: The year 3799.

Beelzebub: What calendar is that? Mayan? Coptic? Assyrian?

Pilate: No, that would be the Hebrew calendar...

Beelzebub: Oh, Hebrew, of course. What did you say your name was again? Pilate? You're not THAT Pilate, are you?

Pilate: That I am, sir, the fifth governor of Judea, serving under Emperor Tiberius, may the gods...

Beelzebub: God.

Pilate: What?

Beelzebub: God, not gods. Anyway, what's your problem, Pilate? I got an appointment on the hour.

Pilate: Well, it's the Jews, sir Bob.

Beelzebub: Jews? It's always the Jews with you, isn't it?

Pilate: Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against the Jews...

Beelzebub: If I had a nickel for every time someone said this!

Pilate: It's just that they get all the credit!

Beelzebub: Of course, the Jews get all the credit! They are such a smart bunch! They invented everything from monotheism to cell phones. Cell phones, Pilate! The tool of the devil if there ever was one! Of course, you probably don't know what a cell phone is... What year did you die again?

Pilate: It's not that, sir Bob. Jews get all the credit for killing Christ.

Beelzebub: Huh? Who? Christ? You mean Yeshua Ha-Notzri? Son of Mary and Joseph?

Pilate: Yes, him. All the new souls here tell me what a big deal he had become.

Beelzebub: Yeah, that always puzzled me. Yeshua was just a pretty average carpenter. No idea how he would become THAT. Wait, you had something to do with this, didn't you?

Pilate: That's what I've been trying to tell you, sir Bob! It was me! I sentenced Christ... Yeshua to death! It was all me! A goyishe public official! And yet they keep blaming the Jews! Christ... Yeshua was a Jew himself! He wasn't starting a new religion or anything! It's all been twisted!

Beelzebub: Oh, I know how twisted it became, don't get me started. But wait, let me get this straight, why do YOU want the credit?

Pilate: Well, I'm in hell, am I not? Shouldn't being the man responsible for Christ's death and all the hatred, war, and torture that has been carried in his name since... be up for a raise?

Beelzebub: A raise? You come here asking me for a raise?

Pilate: It sucks being there with the grunts! If you could just promote me to a basic level 1 demon...

Beelzebub: Jesus f-ing Christ, what I have to deal with! Shoo, I'm late for my aerobics appointment!