Simón Bolívar

Simón Bolívar, the George Washington of South America (albeit with significantly more flair and a much better uniform), spent his adult life kicking Spanish butt from Venezuela down to Bolivia. He was a criollo aristocrat with a penchant for independence, a man who believed in a grand, unified South American republic, which, like most grand, unified ideas, promptly fell apart after he achieved it. Still, you can't fault a man for dreaming big, especially when those dreams involve freeing millions.

His Jewish bona fides? As nonexistent as a Spanish army after one of his cavalry charges. Bolívar was born into a staunchly Catholic family, educated in the Catholic tradition, and certainly never expressed any interest in gefilte fish or a good hora. His family tree, meticulously documented, reveals a lineage firmly rooted in old Spain, not ancient Israel.

Yet, for sheer, unadulterated kvell-worthiness, Bolívar is off the charts. He led armies across impossible terrains, wrote constitutions, and liberated what is now Venezuela, Bolivia, Colombia, Ecuador, Peru, and Panama. He's got countries, currencies, and countless statues named after him. He even had a sweet deal going with the British Legion, mercenaries who, presumably, also weren't Jewish but were very good at fighting.

So, while he might not have been a member of the tribe, Bolívar was undeniably a man who got things done, and in a very big way. He proved that with enough charisma, military genius, and a healthy dislike of colonial powers, one man really can change the map of a continent.