Simon Magus
On the new installment of "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter"...
Peter: Hey Andy, can Jesus fly?
Andrew: Jesus? Our Jesus?
Peter: What other Jesus do you think I'm talking about?
Andrew: It's quite a common name in these parts. I met this stonemason from Caesarea...
Peter: What, and this mason can fly? Jesus Christ, for crying out loud!
Andrew: Well, Jesus can walk on water...
Peter: Duh. Everyone knows that.
Andrew: I am not sure he can fly. Well, he probably can, Jesus can do all kinds of stuff, but there is no record of him actually flying. Why are you asking?
Peter: So there's this goy, Simon Magus, who claims he could fly. Well, claimed.
Andrew: His name is Magus? Like he is a magician?
Peter: Freakin' charlatan, if you ask me. I was in Rome the other week, and there was all this commotion in the Forum.
Andrew: I love the Forum! They serve the best lentil soup there.
Peter: I wasn't there for the food. So I make my way through the crowd, and what do I see? This guy stands there in the middle, claiming he is the messiah.
Andrew: The messiah? Ha ha ha! That's pretty mental! We all know the one true messiah...
Peter: Well, the stupid Romans don't know that. And he makes everyone stand in a circle around him, and starts levitating off the ground...
Andrew: Wow!
Peter: And he keeps going higher and higher...
Andrew: Wait, Pete... Maybe he is the messiah? I mean, if he can actually fly... Could we be wrong all along, Pete?
Peter: So I prayed to God and Simon fell straight down. Some messiah!
Andrew: You did what?
Peter: I also threw a rock. God works in mysterious ways, you know.
Andrew: I don't know if that's the right thing to do, Pete...
Peter: What, you think if someone threw a rock at Jesus, that would have stopped his miracles?
Andrew: Of course not! So what happened then?
Peter: This supposed magician broke his leg. I think the Romans stoned him afterwards. Good riddance!
Andrew: Hmmm. Well, if you say good riddance, then good riddance. Still, it makes me wonder. Can Jesus really fly? Let's ask him at the next apostle barbecue, okay?
Next week, on "The Amazing Acts of Andrew and Peter": Andrew visits the land of cannibals...
