Sitting Bull

Tatanka Iyotake, or Sitting Bull as he was known by the pale-faced masses, was many things: a warrior, a holy man, a statesman. What he was not, however, was Jewish. One could argue his resistance to assimilation was a form of tribal identity, but alas, it wasn't that tribe.

Born in what is now South Dakota, Sitting Bull earned his stripes early, leading his people with a wisdom and ferocity that often left U.S. cavalry officers scratching their heads. He even managed to orchestrate a rather significant victory at the Battle of the Little Bighorn, which, frankly, is more than most people accomplish before breakfast.

While he never got around to celebrating a bar mitzvah or complaining about his mother's brisket, Sitting Bull did stand firm against immense pressure, a quality many might associate with a certain chosen people. His ultimate fate, however, reminds us that not all prophecies end with a promised land, particularly when that land is already occupied.

So, while his k-score is off the charts for his indomitable spirit and leadership, and his identity score is profoundly high for his identity, it simply doesn't align with the criteria for our particular tribe. A truly great man, just not a member of this club.