St. Augustine of Hippo

Born in what is now Algeria, Augustine was quite the wild child before finding God, dabbling in Manichaeism and generally living it up. His conversion experience, chronicled in his Confessions, set him on a path to become one of Christianity's most influential thinkers, shaping doctrines that would echo for centuries. Unfortunately for our purposes, his spiritual journey did not involve discovering his Jewish roots, nor did he ever express a desire for lox and bagels.

Augustine's philosophical and theological contributions are immense, covering everything from original sin to the concept of a just war, influencing Catholicism and Protestantism alike. His writings are still studied today, meaning countless students have suffered through his dense prose, unknowingly missing out on the superior intellectual delights of the Talmud.

Despite his widespread impact, Augustine was, regrettably, not Jewish. His mother, St. Monica, was also not Jewish, and his Punic-Berber ancestry, while interesting, fails to provide the necessary familial ties. While his intellectual achievements are undeniable, they regrettably bring little nachas to the tribe, earning him a rather low K-score from our discerning panel.