Stonewall Jackson

Thomas "Stonewall" Jackson, whose name is practically synonymous with the Confederacy, was a devout Presbyterian. His religious convictions were so central to his identity that he once reportedly stated, "My religious life has been the most dominant influence in my life." This commitment, unfortunately for our purposes, pointed him squarely away from the synagogue and towards the Protestant chapel.

Born in what is now West Virginia, Jackson's lineage is firmly rooted in American colonial history, tracing back through several generations of settlers. There's nary a whisper of a menorah in his family tree, nor a hint of pastrami on rye in his ancestral diet. His origin story, therefore, is about as Jew-ish as a ham sandwich on white bread.

As for kvel-worthiness, Jackson's legacy is, shall we say, complicated. While undeniably a skilled military leader, his "achievements" were in service of a cause—the Confederacy—that sought to preserve slavery. Hard to get much nachas from that, unless your idea of nachas involves fighting for institutionalized human bondage. We'll pass, thanks.