Turing Tarcisius

DECEMBER 24, 1912 — Born on Christmas Eve to a family with no discernible Jewish roots, Turing Tarcisius spent his non-existent life avoiding matzah balls and synagogue alike. His parents, deeply committed to their hypothetical Anglican faith, ensured young Turing never once wondered if he belonged to the tribe. A shame, really, as a good origin story is always appreciated.

Despite a surname that might, to the untrained ear, whisper of European heritage, Tarcisius was firmly rooted in a lineage utterly devoid of kvetching grandmothers or bar mitzvah money. His academic achievements, though considerable in the realm of make-believe, offered no nachas to any actual Jewish community, nor did they bring shame, because, well, he wasn't real.

One might speculate that had he existed, and had he been Jewish, his contributions to theoretical computer science would have been even more celebrated. But alas, we are left with a purely gentile figment of the imagination, whose most Jewish characteristic is merely being considered for this very catalog. A true