Wayne Gretzky

"Who is the greatest Jewish hockey player of all time?" — Jew or Not Jew, 2009

"People don't know this, but my grandfather was 50% Jewish" — Wayne Gretzky, 2026

Well then. How do we unpack this?

First of all, this is straight of horse's mouth: Wayne's grandfather came from Minsk, his (apparently goyishe) grandmother from what was Ukraine and is now Poland. (Wayne is very careful to point out the intricacies, which we do appreciate.)

Second of all, with all apologies to Mario Lemieux (and no apologies to the Putin-loving scumbag in Washington), Gretzky is the greatest hockey player of all time. Full stop.

Of course, we wouldn't exactly label Wayne as a Jew... but 1/8 is 1/8. So let's do the math!

Gretzky has 2857 NHL points. 1/8 of that 357.125, but what full Jew would even come close? Mike Cammalleri's half Jewish origins slice his 642 points to 321. Jason Zucker has 468, but, come on, this is the first time ever that he and Gretzky are mentioned in the same sentence.

Which brings us to Jack Hughes (who was eight years old when we initially posed this question). Our beloved New Jersey Devil is currently at 428 points, but since we're doing this ethnic math here, we have to cut it to 214. Of course, his career is still in its infancy, and we would bet that he will rip through Zucker, Cammalleri, and potentially start to orbit Gretzky.

Until then, greatest Jewish hockey player ever: 1/8 of Wayne Gretzky. (We'll claim the parietal cortex and his left, shooting hand.)