Yael

"I am not sure we'll need you, Shmul," said the soldier. "This one seems to be clear as day."

Inspector Shmul crouched over the dead body. Sisera, the Canaanite commander, was lying face down in the middle of the tent, in a still-fresh pool of blood. His body was covered by a heavy floor rug. A metal peg was thrust through the back of his head.

"Why do you say so?" asked Shmul.

"It's pretty obvious," replied the soldier. There is only one able-bodied man in this camp, Heber. The rest are women, children, and the elderly. Only a strong man would be able to do this!" He pointed to the peg that was sticking out of the skull.

Shmul carefully lifted the rug by its corner. Sisera was completely naked underneath. Patches of hair, mixed with desert dust, covered his entire body. A powerful stench was coming off the not-yet-cold corpse.

"Yep... lost the big battle yesterday, ran on foot," continued the soldier. "Saw this Kenite camp, asked for shelter. Little did he know that this Heber was a friend of the Israelites!"

"Still, I'd like to talk to Heber."

"Go ahead, I guess. He denies everything, but what do you expect?"

Heber's tent was not any different from any others in the encampment. Shmul noticed the missing peg in the front right corner, then knelt to pull out its left counterpart. It matched the one protruding from the corpse. The soldier guarding the entrance let Shmul through.

Heber was pacing through the tent, pulling strands of hair from his already-balding head. A woman, most likely his wife, was trying to calm him down.

"I didn't do it, inspector!" yelled out Heber. "I was asleep the whole night!"

"I can vouch for that," said the woman. "Heber and I went to bed at sunset and he awoke at sunrise this morning. You can ask our neighbors. Their rooster always wakes us up."

"And you are?...," asked Shmul.

"Oh, I am Yael, Heber's wife."

She was considerably younger than her husband. Yael's skin, weathered by years under the desert sun, still showed signs of what once must have been a great beauty.

"The soldiers tell me you are a friend of the Israelites?" Shmul turned to the husband.

"Look, I don't know an Israelite from a Moabite!" barked Heber. "This guy came running into camp that evening, asking for shelter. We didn't know he was this commander! Why would I kill him? I have nothing against the Canaanites, as long as they leave us alone!"

"So he asked for shelter," interrupted Shmul, "But you didn't offer him your tent?"

"Well, he couldn't sleep here, could he?! There's hardly enough room!"

The tent did seem large enough to fit an entire family, but Shmul chose another line of questioning.

"So there just happened to be an empty tent next to yours?" he asked.

"Uh...," stammered Heber.

"If I may have a word, inspector," Yael interjected, "that would be... my tent. You see, Heber and I... We... Well... We sleep in separate tents."

"So the tent Sisera was killed in is yours? That seemed to be a pretty important piece of information!" exclaimed Shmul.

"Well, yes, that is my tent... but since we had a guest, I let him use it and spent the night here... with my husband."

"Ha!" smirked Heber.

Yael quickly glanced at him, then turned her eyes back to the inspector.

"It's pretty hot right now," said Shmul, wiping his brow. "But nights in the desert are rather cold, aren't they?"

Yael nodded her head.

"So one would not sleep naked, would they?"

"No... of course not," she stuttered, lowering her eyes.

"Woman! You didn't!" Heber screamed out.

Yael stood for a moment, staring at the floor, then sharply lifted her head, her lips twisting in a triumphant smile.

"I did!" she exclaimed.

"How could you?!" her husband yelped.

"Oh, it was easy! Seven times we did it! And once I was done with him, he was out cold!"

"Seven... times? Are you mad, woman?"

Before Heber could take a swing at Yael, the inspector grabbed his hand and pushed him onto the ground.

"I don't care what you and Sisera did or didn't do," Shmul addressed the woman. "But did you kill him?"

"So what if I did!" Yael screamed, her eyes still sparking with rage. "The world will be a better place without that scum! Do you know how many innocent Israelite children his men had slaughtered? How many towns burned, how many women raped?"

"But you are not an Israelite yourself..." interjected Shmul.

"No, I am not. But you are, aren't you, inspector?"

Shmul sighed. He would have to find a clever way to explain this one.

There is actual scholarly debate whether Yael had intercourse with Sisera prior to killing him. The Talmud claims she did, seven times, and who are we to argue with the Talmud!