Yosef ben Pandera

Regular readers know how much we love to riff on Christian mythology, it's just so ripe for ridicule! We're not the first Jews to do it, of course; it's a tradition that goes back centuries and even has a name, Toledot Yeshu. That translates to "History of Jesus" and it's a doozy!

Jewish scholars have tried to wrestle with how exactly this Jesus character fits in the historical narrative, and their theories don't exactly line up with the traditional goyishe gospel. Let's talk about one version of the so-called immaculate conception, as compiled by Samuel Krauss in 1902.

Miriam (of course not Mary, Miriam!) was married to a pious man named Yochanan. One time Joe... Yochanan was away, which was fine, because Miriam was menstruating, and as everyone knows, Jewish law forbids to have intercourse during menstruation! Unfortunately(?), Miriam had a hot neighbor, Yosef ben Pandera (Pandera? Hold that thought), and the two got it on. The result of that tryst was named Yeshu, which somehow stands for "the bastard son of a menstruate woman".

(We are not the ones to argue with esteemed Jewish scholars here, but let's point out that it's quite unlikely for a woman to get pregnant during menstruation, so it's highly possible that Pandera and Miriam shtupped a bit more than the story lets on.)

Still holding that thought? See that headless picture on the left? In 1859, a tombstone was uncovered in Bingerbruck, Germany, which was inscribed "Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera from Sidon, aged LXII (62) years served XXXX (40) years, former standard bearer". Research put his death around 40 CE, Sidon is in modern Lebanon, and Abdes is a supposed Semitic name... Do you see where this is going? Pandera! Or Pantera!

Yes, dear goyim, you can see the tombstone of Jesus' real dad, currently on display in the Romerhalle museum in Bad Kreuznach, Germany! (Entrance fee: 5 euro for adults or 14 for families, children under 3 free.) Or, you know, not.

As much as we hate to burst the bubble, Pandera/Pantera was not an uncommon name at the time (those Romans must have been into big cats), so there is not much to go here outside of idle speculation. To claim that Tiberius Julius Abdes Pantera is the same person as Yosef ben Pandera is quite a reach.

But not as much of a reach as the virgin birth!

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