Zhidovin

Somewhere in the Eastern European steppe, three great warriors of Slavic lore: Ilya Muromets, Dobrynya Nikitich, and Alyosha Popovich are sitting around a campfire...

Ilya: You've heard the news. There is new danger from the south.

Dobrynya: The south?

I: Land of the Khazars.

Alyosha: Who is it this time?

I: He has no name. They just call him "Zhidovin".

D: Oh, one of THOSE people.

I: He is the mightiest warrior in all of the Khazar khanate.

A: But he has no name?

I: Well, I assume he has a name! It's not like his mother calls him "my little Zhidovin".

D: Who knows what those people do? With their strange ways... Maybe they have no names.

I: Name or no name, we need to figure this out. Someone has to go and fight this warrior. I think it has to be you, Alyosha.

A: Me? Why me? I'm the youngest!

D: The youngest, but also the swiftest!

A: Ummm... ummm... I gotta come clean, guys. You know how I defeated Tugarin?

I: Yes, the evil warlord. Or was he a dragon? Some versions say he was a dragon.

A: Not a dragon. Just a guy. From Turkey, maybe? Not sure.

I: So if he wasn't a dragon...

A: You know how I prayed to God for rain and Tugarin's wings got damaged?

I: Of course.

A: Not true. He had no wings. But it did rain, and he... slipped.

I: Slipped?

A: That's it. That's how I beat him. He fell down. So you see, my greatest victory is a tad... exaggerated. I am not the right one to fight this Zhidovin.

I: Then it must be you, Dobrynya!

D: Me? Why all of the sudden me?

I: You are known throughout the land for your wits. And these Khazars are known to be cunning ones...

D: About those wits, Ilya... My victory over the great snake...

I: Don't tell me that's a lie too!

A: Mine wasn't a lie! I really did defeat Tugarin!

D: Let's just say I embellished a bit. The snake didn't have 12 heads. To be honest, she wasn't really a snake at all...

I: She?

D: So you know that part where I put five poods* of sand in a hat and smacked her with it?

I: Her?

D: I did hit her with great force... but it wasn't exactly with my hat.

I: Wait, I don't understand this. Your beat... a woman? That was your greatest victory?

D: You see, it has to be you, Ilya.

A: Totally!

I: Me?

D: Yes, you. You're the leader. We all look up to you. You are the greatest hero in all of Slavic lore. What, don't tell us all your victories are make-believe as well!

I: Actually...

The above is a re-imagining of an actual Russian folktale. The unnamed "Zhidovin" (literally "Jew man") arrives, and all the great warriors are deemed unfit to face him. Finally, Ilya fights him, for twelve days and nights, before winning. (It's a Russian folktale, what did you expect?) Given the choice of submission or death, the Jew chooses death. A millennium of antisemitism, ladies and gentlemen!

Verdict: **Jew**.

_June 27, 2025_