Cristiano Ronaldo

Cristiano Ronaldo dos Santos Aveiro, known to his adoring masses simply as Cristiano Ronaldo, has graced the world's football pitches with a level of skill and showmanship rarely matched. He's a living legend, a goal-scoring machine, and a global phenomenon, whose chiseled physique and relentless pursuit of perfection have earned him legions of fans (and probably a few detractors who secretly wish they had his abs).

Despite his many accolades and a career that reads like a dream autobiography, Ronaldo remains, for our purposes, stubbornly Goyish. His upbringing was staunchly Catholic, and there's no whisper of a distant bubbe or a secret affinity for matzah ball soup. His major contributions to world culture seem to revolve around kicking a ball really, really well, and looking good while doing it.

While his dedication to his craft is undeniably impressive, and his philanthropic efforts commendable, we're still waiting for that moment when he unexpectedly breaks out into a flawless rendition of 'Hatikvah' or announces a surprise investment in a falafel stand. Until then, his K-score remains modest, as his achievements, while grand, aren't exactly bringing nachas to the Jewish community.